where's my sex!?

Folks, it's time we accepted the fact that there will never be another Pinkerton. I realize a lot of you accepted this a while ago, but I think that, even if Cuomo consciously decided to emulate Pinkerton, it would just sound like a 40 year-old trying to make another confessional, you know? With that kept in mind, Hurley is pretty not-that-bad. Maybe, perhaps, good? Now, I'm aware that Rivers Cuomo could be riding in his solid-gold jetpack right now laughing as he chews on his solid-gold cigar thinking "Those plebeians actually like that shit!" I mean, this is the man who referred to his fans as "little bitches" back in 2002(ish). In his defense though, it would be pretty annoying if your fans kept on requesting you to go back to your old sounds instead of treading new grounds. Then again, "old sounds" kind of meant "actually good." *pause for laughter and cheering* But I digress. Hurley goes back to the power-pop sound of 1994's Blue Album but pumps up the "power." Track one, 'Memories,' starts with a cheesy intro, but then it's followed by a wall of sound. By the time you're questioning whether this is an Arcade Fire-good "wall of sound" or Nickelback-shit "wall of sound," the catchy synth kicks in and it doesn't really matter. So far this is definitely better than a rap-rendition of 'Can't Stop Partying' (I'm still sore over that.) The rest of the album is kind of samey, but it's an okay kind of samey. One of the more memorable moments in Hurley is the song 'Where's My Sex?,' a title that I find genuinely funny. That kind of ridiculousness is classic Weezer, in my opinion. I find that Weezer is trying a little too hard to be edgy though, proven by the fact that this is the first album to be released on an indie label (Epitaph.) Overall, Hurley is an enjoyable (if cheesy) throwback to power-pop, and a positive look into the future. I wouldn't find myself relistening to it on a roughly tri-yearly basis as I do with 2008's Red Album, but it's a step up from my "never-relistening to" basis of Raditude. Just ignore the bonus tracks, unless you want to hear a cover of a Coldplay song (that's great and all, but why bother covering something from 2008?)

In related news, Weezer has announced that Pinkerton is going to be reissued on November 4, along with a collection of out-takes from Blue to Raditude that have, to my knowledge, been rerecorded (it's entitled- I shit you not -Death to False Metal). In a Rolling Stone interview, Rivers Cuomo also stated that he started working on the next Weezer album "this morning," which I assume was sometime in late August.

Oh, and there's a Blue/Pinkerton tour in the works. Just a heads-up.

the subtle brilliance of j-biebz

Justin Bieber haters are lone wolves fighting the mainstream.

After posting that I thought Baby is a good song, I was called a "fag" approximately twelve times. But I stand by my word, Baby truly is a wonderful song, and I think the social impact it has on girls is very misguided. While some think it's just another song about an underage slut; girls think it's a cheery song, which makes it so great. Like Britney Spears, Bieber is the same person casting many different personas: to black people and males above the age of 8, he's just a wigger. Younger and older girls view him as an understated heartthrob. Parents view him as a flash-in-the-pan. Rock magazines see him as just another popstar. If you examine Baby, you can see that it's really a song about heartbreak, as Justin Bieber learns that a large amount of the female population hates him. It's this unobtainable beauty that haunts him, and he realizes this at the age of sixteen, no less. His obsession overtakes him, spiraling him into a deep depression when he realizes that his name will always be hollow. This self-actualization lulls him into a state of deep depression, but the cheerful synthline is still there, constantly reminding him that the one girl he only really loved is practically dead. "I'm going down, down, down, dooown," he sings. This is a clever double entendre, and both meanings aren't relevant to any tween. His agony can only be healed by anti-depressants, but at the same time the only thing that makes him feel better is killing him, as he falls "down, down, down" on the floor, the result of his suicide. Also notice that the music video for "Baby" takes place at a bowling alley, where one fuck-up will totally ruin your spare/strike. Think about it.

Pictured above: alleged genius

Bieber exists to fill the holes in our hearts. Young girls have a new idol they can vent their unnatural, Disney Channel sexuality over, younger men have a new twat to vent their anger towards, the RIAA, of course, has a new cash-cow, journalists and tabloid writers now have more to write about/talk about at cocktail parties, and older men and women have a manifestation of how much the next generation will fail (a flawed argument, but a popular one.) He's here until some other teen dream comes to steal the hearts of eight year-olds.

And that's why Justin Bieber is a martyr.

I'm going to mix things up a little bit. Instead of sharing a new album, I'm going to compile a list of my top ten favorite songs ever. I'm hoping that by doing this I can recalibrate my music taste, which is like a vague, unorganized cloud of vapor right now. I've limited myself to one song per artist, so don't worry about 80% of this being Elliott Smith songs (seriously, I would totally do that.)

10. Modest Mouse -Custom Concern (This is a Long Drive For Someone With Nothing to Think About, 1996) Runner-up: Trailer Trash
This song perfectly wraps up my feelings on my existence ("Gotta go to work, gotta go to work, gotta have a job"). Why #10, then? My existence is profoundly dull.

9. Pixies - Gigantic (Surfer Rosa, 1988)
Apparently this is the reason Kim Deal didn't get to contribute that much (lyrically) to the Pixies. I can't see how her sexy, mysterious voice could be considered a bad thing. Okay, so it's pretty much a song about banging a black dude, but... Fuck man, that bass!

8. Jimmy Eat World - Clarity (Clarity, 1999) Runner-up: Drugs or Me
A bunch of people imply that Clarity was the only good Jimmy Eat World album. Apparently it had more depth than songs like 'The Middle'. Bullshit. Jimmy Eat World has always been about simple angst, which is why I love them so much. Clarity just seems more fresh.

7. Cap'n Jazz - Tokyo (Analphabetpolothogy, 1998)
Far be it from me to give Cap'n Jazz anymore credit than they already deserve. I like them, I just think they're grossly overrated. Tokyo is the one of the reasons I love them so much. I found myself thinking "Damn, that kid sounds like he has a stuffy nose. Someone should give him some chicken-noodle soup" when I first heard it, but the raw voice is probably one of it's best aspects. Oh, and the reference to Christopher Cross's 'Arthur's Theme'? /swoon

6. David Bowie - Space Oddity (Space Oddity, 1969)
Sci-fi, quasi-folk, free-form jazz, death, and David Bowie. Sounds like a total winner to me. Space Oddity is one of the grimmest, most melodramatic pop songs I've heard. It's an about an astronaut (Major Tom, but I don't see how an astronaut could be a "major." Maybe he slept with his employer) getting lost in space, the worst death imaginable. David Bowie would go on to dress in drag and sing about "ch-ch-ch-changes" roughly three years after Space Oddity's release. Huh.

5. Sunny Day Real Estate - The Shark's Own Private Fuck (How it Feels to Be Something On, 1997) Runner-up: Seven
You had me at the bass intro. Jeremy Enigk squeezes so much bottled-up anger in this track, yet it's not as heavy as, say, Seven.

4. Beck - Where It's At (Odelay, 1996) Runner-up: Teenage Wastebasket
When my friends ask me what music I listen to, I usually just play some Beck for them. "Oh, you know, folk and sadcore" just isn't as appealing to my peers as "That was a good drum-break". Usually (relatively) happy songs make me more depressed, but Where It's At is pure fun.

3. The Get Up Kids - Campfire Kansas (On a Wire, 2002) Runner-up: Washington Square Park
A song about camping with friends. Not suicide or hopelessness; a campfire. This is how I want my teenage life to be like (i.e., having friends that I would want to spend time with)

2. Elliott Smith - King's Crossing (From a Basement On the Hill, 2004) Runner-up: Last Call
"I am going to stab myself in the chest." That could've been the message of this song, because the whole thing sounds like a suicide note (and the lyric "Because I took my own insides out"). In the context of Elliott Smith's 2004 suicide where he actually stabbed himself in the chest, this manages to get even more depressing. I still get chills when the synth kicks in. This could only be topped by...

1. Wilco - Jesus, Etc. (Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, 2002)
Listening to this song is the best explanation there is.

Calling all plucky artists!

Do you have a band or solo project that needs a little publicity? I'll listen to it! Send me a MediaFire link to your EP, LP, demo - whatever - on last.fm. Just private message my account. You can also contact me on FaceBook. I have about five bands that sent submissions, but I'm always ready to accept more. Reviews will be on an every-other-day basis, but I might do some daily. Yes, I'm still going to post-actual-release albums, but this keeps things fresh.

Valiumtines

What's a lonely virgin to do on a day packed with new-wave emo kids masturbating over their shitty poems? Why, make a mix-tape for other lonely virgins, of course.

Introducing the second funniest pun ever*: Valiumtines. Pump your stomach full of prescription pills while She pumps away at His schlong. I assume you get my point.

I don't want to tell you the tracks yet because that will ruin the gimmick surprise.

*The first being "What did Zelda say to Link when he couldn't open the door? 'Triforce.'"

Also mine is at: http://www.mediafire.com/?k2i0j0q3j22

Also, your mom is a skank

Ask anybody (i.e., Adam) who their favorite Nintendo 64 game is and 7 1/2 times out of 10 they'll say "Ocarina of Time, I guess." But let's make this deeper. Let's suppose you asked them to name one Nintendo 64 game in 5 seconds. Would the majority still say Ocarina of Time? Would the number of people who said Ocarina of Time increase? Stay the same? Decrease? The former question pits quality against, well, nothing else. The latter, however, pits quality against personal memories playing the N64. Would they still say Ocarina of Time, or would they choose a game with even greater nostalgic value? Would I say Majora's Mask or Blast Corps or Harvest Moon 64? Has Ocarina of Time attached itself to our memories of the N64, like some neutral parasite? The question I'm trying to pose, I guess, is whether or not the amount of people who support a certain theory (or anything else) makes it anymore credible. If 100% of people believed Ocarina of Time was perfect, would that make it a fact? Laws are described as something observed in nature that never changes. So what if, by some act of God, everyone has the same opinion on something? Would that make it a fact/law?



Anyways, the original point of this post was to share the Majora's Mask OST, but I got a bit sidetracked with my psuedo-intellectual bullshit. My bad

Itch from The King Blues

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQeHbMSqRxU&feature=player_embedded
I'm not one for the whole punk thing but this inspires me so much, it always has. When I stop being a lazy twat I'll upload The King Blues album. They're a kickass ska/punk band that are very active in some political shit and they do marches... and stuff (I'm 14, don't expect me to know anything about politics).

The King Blues used to be three homeless guys selling The Big Issue (I don't know if they have that in America, it's basically to help the unprivileged, they buy the magazines for 75p each and can sell it to people on the street for £1.50 (though the damn woman in my town sells it for £3.00, cheeky cow)). Most the songs from their newest album 'Save The World, Get The Girl' are about their past and it's obvious these guys don't care about the money or getting a big record deal, they just want to help the world. For one of their tours a while back they didn't sell 'proper' tickets, they just asked that you buy a Big Issue and use it as a ticket. What lovely guys, eh? Helping the homeless and all that. Anyway I'm rambling on a bit so I'm just going to end it here. Oh also, if you can't be bothered to watch the whole 7 minutes of that video (lazy fucks) then skip to 4:45.

P.S. Itch also plays the ukele in the band, a motherfucking ukele man!
P.P.S. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsSxRH2QLcg Pretty awesome cover of Dizzee Rascals song Bonkers

"So don’t let anyone tell you you’re not worth the earth,
These streets are your streets, this turf is your turf,
Don’t let anyone tell you that you’ve got to give in,
Cos you can make a difference, you can change everything,
Just let your dreams be your pilot, your imagination your fuel,
Tear up the book and write your own damn rules,
Use all that heart, hope and soul that you’ve got,
And the love and the rage that you feel in your gut,
And realise that the other world that you’re always looking for,
Lies right here in front of us, just outside this door,
And it’s up to you to go out there and paint the canvas,
After all, you were put on the earth to do this,
So shine your light so bright that all can see,
Take pride in being whoever the fuck you want to be,
Throw your fist in the air in solidarity,
And shout 'Viva la punk, just one life, anarchy'"

"I was classic bullying material strictly speaking,
I was 4ft tall with a 3ft mohican,
I bunked off school and bought some tattoo ink,
Engraved ‘punk 4 life’ on my arm with a safety pin,
I was sleeping in a park and selling The Big Issue,
But this ain’t no sob story so don’t reach for the tissue,
Cos these Spanish punks took me under their wing,
Opened a squat in Clapham Common they let me move in"

Oh Itch, yousa busta :3

375 words that aren't something about music

There was a thread on /mu/ where you shuffled your media player 5 times and wrote a short story using the songs you got (which are shown in caps). It's too bad it died early.



Today was the day. I knew it. Well, not then, but I should have seen it coming. I decided to take the long way down to Spokane High School, just to think.

As I finished my Fresca, I saw kids running like a WILD PACK OF FAMILY DOGS. They all had shirts that said SHU SHUBAT. Another group of kids came, wearing the same T-shirt. Needless

to say I was a tad curious. I decided to see what all of this was about.

The first guy I saw was a chubby Mexican kid, no more than nine years-old.

"Hey kid, what's with all of these people running around?"

"QUE SUERTE!", he replied

It was pretty awkward. A bunch of clones of this kid started raining from the sky, all asking (or exclaiming) the same words. I slowly backed away, and returned to my path.
Unfortunately I was getting closer to the school. I could tell because I passed the old oak tree a bum resided in. On days when I had time to spare I would hang out with him. We discussed the practicality of space travel and I would ask him hypothetical questions. Our conversations always ended with him saying "Think about it".

He was alright.

Just then I noticed that my school was under attack. Living next to a Taco Bell; it was not uncommon to see chalupas thrown at the window. This time was different though. The school was fucking bombarded with semi-natural chalupa meat. There were about 300 students smearing meat across some poor bastard (who I later found out was the geography teacher. Fuck geography). And I knew the bum had been here, because cinnamon twists were laid out to spell "CEMETERIES OF LONDON. Think about it."

It was quite a phenomenon. I decided to lay in the snow. I got out some pizza-flavored crackers (Combos, I believe), another can of Fresca, and a GameBoy Color. I sat there playing Pokemon Pinball while the whole place went to hell.

When I finished everything I went up to the school and threw some pizza-flavored paste at the
vice-principal.

I fucking hate high school.

Jammy Eet Wood

I've failed to mention Jimmy Eat World for a while, which is a damn shame considering they're just so good. One of the albums I can't get enough of at the moment is Futures. It's the perfect a pretty good mixture of pop rock (oh God I'm such a fag someone kill me) and the agressive emo sound that was so popular in the late 90's/early 00's. Actually, you probably won't care for it that much, but I like it.

Is there anything better than a mall? This is a serious question. I guess it's been popular to hate on malls for a while, but they're one of the greatest things about living. I like marble. The walls and floors are paved with marble. I like the smell of fried-dough. The mall fries dough. I like the smell of colognes. The mall smells like cologne. There aren't too many malls in England; the ones they do have are usually small and filled with clothing stores that have a sense of unwarranted superiority. Much like myself. The only mall I really like in England is Bluewater. It makes me feel like I'm back in Sebring with my friends. I've only been there once.