i want...to be...abraham lincoln, embarassingly tall!...

My knowledge of bands that have an animal in the name is...above average? I don't know about that, but I do know that oh my god elephant is on of my favorite one-shot bands. They released their first (and only) EP in 2007, but they never caught on the way, say, Algernon Cadwallader did. It's a shame too, because oh my god elephant is the greatest emo/math-rock fusion this side of Snowing has seen. All five tracks are complex melodramatic tunes being primitively shouted over, and I like that contrast. The occasional back-up vocals and stingy synth really set the mood. The odd acoustic jams also add to the overall variety, while the drumming is consistently amazing. omg elephant later changed their name to Rainbow Tornadoes and released a full-length LP, but, sadly, it was surprisingly lackluster. Still, with these five quality tracks, oh my god elephant can last you forever.

Three pills each day, etc.

How the fuck am I supposed to play Monster Hunter 3 and blog at the same time?

If there's one thing Sunny Day Real Estate has taught me, it's that all women are skanks that will do anything to fuck you over. Seriously, every song off of How it Feels to be Something On [incidentally their best album] was about how Jeremy Enigk's girlfriend stabbed him in the back, yeah? So post-hardcore emo + girl problems = awesome. This brings me to Reality vs. the Optimist, which perfectly fits the former sentence. Kiss Kiss can simply be described as post-hardcore electric violin orchestrations (played by a female, so I guess Freud* was right when he said all women are naturally masochistic**.) If the track "Shits in Suits" is anything to go on, they're pretty pissed too. So if you just got out of a relationship and hate the spiteful bitch who broke up with you, this is the album to go to (alternately, if you still like the spiteful bitch that broke up with you I suggest listening to some Hospice).

*I think it was Freud.
**To the female readers: Freud's words; not mine.

Aloooooone

What happens if I edit this whilst you're writing it?

Fuck you, that's what.

My brother implied (actually, he straight-out fucking said) that the Alone albums were the equivalent of Rivers Cuomo masturbating on stage. "Just take 10 of the best songs, re-record with the other members of Weezer, and then release it as a compilation." After Beck, my bro is the coolest fucker ever, but I really have to disagree on his statement. There isn't really anything Weezer could do to get any shittier. Collaborating with 'Lil Wayne and the All American Rejects is like sub-zero; it's physically impossible to go any lower.

Well, maybe not.

It's not like Weezer decided to use auto-tune or work with brokeNCYDE. And despite what critics said, the Red Album was pretty good. I realize I'm analyzing Weezer instead of actually talking about Alone. But the point is, the principle is definitley masturbatory, but these are fucking Pinkerton-era B-sides and a few tracks from Songs From the Blackhole, a highly sought-after album that never saw the light of day. And dude, it sounds like Pinkerton. Fucking Pinkerton.

Best Tracks: Superfriend (once you get past the first cringe-worthy verse), Chess, Longtime Sunshine, I Was Made for You, Blastoff!/Who You Callin' Bitch?

Three more favorites of mine

Modest Mouse - The Lonesome Crowded West

When I was told Good News... wasn't an accurate repesentation of Modest Mouse, I was intrigued. Well, not really, seeing how it took me a fucking month to actually download The Lonesome Crowded West. Man, I was missing out on so much. The opening track Teeth Like God's Shoeshine is erratic, noisy, and a representation of what to expect from the rest of the album. Best Tracks: Trailer Trash, Heart Cooks Brain, Cowboy Dan, Convenient Parking,

Lounge (Closing Time)

oh my god elephant - Five Song EP(?)
"Real" emo with math-rock undertones. That's all I can say about them, besides "FUCK YEAH". Oh, and they changed their name to Rainbow Tornado. Best Tracks: Dan Dan Dan Dan, Evan Tuckerman

Ape Up! - Demo '09

Judging by the title of the band and the cover of the album, you'd think the guys behind Ape Up! are total assholes. I guess that's plausible, but their demotape (released earlier this year) is really good. I believe the singer is the same bro behind Snowing (I don't really know, all I have to go off of them is their MySpace page), so you can expect God-tier vocals. Top tracks: Two Tickets to Stink Town, Nice Marmot, Rudich Ranch