the subtle brilliance of j-biebz

Justin Bieber haters are lone wolves fighting the mainstream.

After posting that I thought Baby is a good song, I was called a "fag" approximately twelve times. But I stand by my word, Baby truly is a wonderful song, and I think the social impact it has on girls is very misguided. While some think it's just another song about an underage slut; girls think it's a cheery song, which makes it so great. Like Britney Spears, Bieber is the same person casting many different personas: to black people and males above the age of 8, he's just a wigger. Younger and older girls view him as an understated heartthrob. Parents view him as a flash-in-the-pan. Rock magazines see him as just another popstar. If you examine Baby, you can see that it's really a song about heartbreak, as Justin Bieber learns that a large amount of the female population hates him. It's this unobtainable beauty that haunts him, and he realizes this at the age of sixteen, no less. His obsession overtakes him, spiraling him into a deep depression when he realizes that his name will always be hollow. This self-actualization lulls him into a state of deep depression, but the cheerful synthline is still there, constantly reminding him that the one girl he only really loved is practically dead. "I'm going down, down, down, dooown," he sings. This is a clever double entendre, and both meanings aren't relevant to any tween. His agony can only be healed by anti-depressants, but at the same time the only thing that makes him feel better is killing him, as he falls "down, down, down" on the floor, the result of his suicide. Also notice that the music video for "Baby" takes place at a bowling alley, where one fuck-up will totally ruin your spare/strike. Think about it.

Pictured above: alleged genius

Bieber exists to fill the holes in our hearts. Young girls have a new idol they can vent their unnatural, Disney Channel sexuality over, younger men have a new twat to vent their anger towards, the RIAA, of course, has a new cash-cow, journalists and tabloid writers now have more to write about/talk about at cocktail parties, and older men and women have a manifestation of how much the next generation will fail (a flawed argument, but a popular one.) He's here until some other teen dream comes to steal the hearts of eight year-olds.

And that's why Justin Bieber is a martyr.

needs more bleeding vaginas

So, Pitchfork gave Zaireeka a 0/10. This struck me as odd, mainly because it's by the Flaming Lips. See the juxtaposition? But I'm not going to dwell on Pitchfork's abortion of a review. I like to think I'm better than that. The "hook" of Zaireeka is that it comes with four CDs, with eight tracks on each, every disc having an alteration of each song. With a physical copy, you could mix and match discs to see what variation suited you. When all four CDs are played in harmony, weird shit goes down. "Weird shit" as in "beauty". Everything is so fantastically surreal in this album; it's kind of like the disorientation experienced when you get up too quick and blood rushes from your head. Whether it's the means of transportation in the year 2025 or bleeding vaginas, Zaireeka will always keep you engaged with its lyrical content. Distorted guitars, strong drums, and high frequencies will have you a) Brain-washed and b) Coming back for more.

I'm going to mix things up a little bit. Instead of sharing a new album, I'm going to compile a list of my top ten favorite songs ever. I'm hoping that by doing this I can recalibrate my music taste, which is like a vague, unorganized cloud of vapor right now. I've limited myself to one song per artist, so don't worry about 80% of this being Elliott Smith songs (seriously, I would totally do that.)

10. Modest Mouse -Custom Concern (This is a Long Drive For Someone With Nothing to Think About, 1996) Runner-up: Trailer Trash
This song perfectly wraps up my feelings on my existence ("Gotta go to work, gotta go to work, gotta have a job"). Why #10, then? My existence is profoundly dull.

9. Pixies - Gigantic (Surfer Rosa, 1988)
Apparently this is the reason Kim Deal didn't get to contribute that much (lyrically) to the Pixies. I can't see how her sexy, mysterious voice could be considered a bad thing. Okay, so it's pretty much a song about banging a black dude, but... Fuck man, that bass!

8. Jimmy Eat World - Clarity (Clarity, 1999) Runner-up: Drugs or Me
A bunch of people imply that Clarity was the only good Jimmy Eat World album. Apparently it had more depth than songs like 'The Middle'. Bullshit. Jimmy Eat World has always been about simple angst, which is why I love them so much. Clarity just seems more fresh.

7. Cap'n Jazz - Tokyo (Analphabetpolothogy, 1998)
Far be it from me to give Cap'n Jazz anymore credit than they already deserve. I like them, I just think they're grossly overrated. Tokyo is the one of the reasons I love them so much. I found myself thinking "Damn, that kid sounds like he has a stuffy nose. Someone should give him some chicken-noodle soup" when I first heard it, but the raw voice is probably one of it's best aspects. Oh, and the reference to Christopher Cross's 'Arthur's Theme'? /swoon

6. David Bowie - Space Oddity (Space Oddity, 1969)
Sci-fi, quasi-folk, free-form jazz, death, and David Bowie. Sounds like a total winner to me. Space Oddity is one of the grimmest, most melodramatic pop songs I've heard. It's an about an astronaut (Major Tom, but I don't see how an astronaut could be a "major." Maybe he slept with his employer) getting lost in space, the worst death imaginable. David Bowie would go on to dress in drag and sing about "ch-ch-ch-changes" roughly three years after Space Oddity's release. Huh.

5. Sunny Day Real Estate - The Shark's Own Private Fuck (How it Feels to Be Something On, 1997) Runner-up: Seven
You had me at the bass intro. Jeremy Enigk squeezes so much bottled-up anger in this track, yet it's not as heavy as, say, Seven.

4. Beck - Where It's At (Odelay, 1996) Runner-up: Teenage Wastebasket
When my friends ask me what music I listen to, I usually just play some Beck for them. "Oh, you know, folk and sadcore" just isn't as appealing to my peers as "That was a good drum-break". Usually (relatively) happy songs make me more depressed, but Where It's At is pure fun.

3. The Get Up Kids - Campfire Kansas (On a Wire, 2002) Runner-up: Washington Square Park
A song about camping with friends. Not suicide or hopelessness; a campfire. This is how I want my teenage life to be like (i.e., having friends that I would want to spend time with)

2. Elliott Smith - King's Crossing (From a Basement On the Hill, 2004) Runner-up: Last Call
"I am going to stab myself in the chest." That could've been the message of this song, because the whole thing sounds like a suicide note (and the lyric "Because I took my own insides out"). In the context of Elliott Smith's 2004 suicide where he actually stabbed himself in the chest, this manages to get even more depressing. I still get chills when the synth kicks in. This could only be topped by...

1. Wilco - Jesus, Etc. (Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, 2002)
Listening to this song is the best explanation there is.

like a friend you dont want to see

A great thing about bands like Radiohead and Wilco is that the songs can have a different meaning to them. Did you get laid to She's a Jar? Bam, that song becomes happy (over time). Was Kid A playing when your love left you? Bam, that song becomes sad (over time). Sometimes with bands like the Killers and Jimmy Eat World I ask myself "Do I like the song or do I like the context?" This is not the case with Red House Painters. I guess you can't expect anything worthy of a "Rockin' Road Trip" mix-tape or happy memories from a genre called sadcore. Not like that's a bad thing; their minimalistic opening track '24' is very fresh and keeps your attention. 'Medicine Bottle' is considerably heavier than '24' and is almost like a suicide note. The title track is epic - at 11 minutes it still manages to stay consistent instead of starting out strong and then haphazardly dragging on. 'Japanese to English' is a personal favorite, and has a hopeless vibe to it. Maybe it's a little cliche ("It's not that simple, this dictionary/It never has a word for the way I'm feeling"); but I like it that way. 'Lord Kill the Pain' has a decidedly alt-country tone, and is a breath of fresh air due to its relative fastness. 'Michael' is the grand finale, and wraps the album together nicely. It's similar to the title-track, but a tad dreamier.

ATTENTION ALL JAPANESE WOMEN: NEVER GET NEAR RIVERS CUOMO

The Japanese are good at a variety of things; porn, professional eating, arbitrary censoring, developing video-games, getting stereotyped and participating in weird-ass gameshows. When it comes to music, they only seem to succeed in "visual kei" (Japanese scenesters trying too hard to revive bullshit glam-metal wankery), but then I found out about MASS OF THE FERMENTING DREGS, an awesome shoegaze trio (another thing about Japanese music: Bands are almost always referred to in ALL CAPS or all lowercase.) By the first track of their newest album, Zero Comma, Irotoridori no Sekai, I knew I was in for something. By the last track, I found my album of the year. As expected, the guitars are heavily distorted, but the drumming is fucking insane, and the (female) vocals are very J-popesque. If you've ever played a Katamari Damacy game (if you haven't, I suggest you do sometime soon), MotFD sounds like something from the soundtrack, only more serious. Not convinced yet? Track four (RAT) sounds like a goddamn boss battle from Megaman. ONE DAY is very dreamy, and will most likely make you feel lonely, even if you don't know what the fuck they're singing. Zero Comma, Irotoridori no Sekai is amazing overall, and there are about five other releases from MotFD, so there's plenty more where that came from.

you snooki!

Protip: Don't look up "You Slut!" on Google Images without safesearch on. Don't type it in on MediaFire either; one of the results that pop up is "Post-Abortion Slut Fuck", a phrase that, unfortunately, has been engraved in my mind. And I thought I masturbated to some weird shit...

ANYWAYS, You Slut! is a math-rock band hailing from the land of Queen Elizabeth (whom, incidentally, is also a slut.) They debuted in 2006 with a six song EP, but their first LP, Critical Meat, was released in 2008. Interestingly, Critical Meat was released in Japan in 2007, and 2008 in the UK. So what about the album itself? Pretty god-damn impressive. The opening track has some of the greatest cowbell playing this side of Electioneering has seen. The beats are choppy, and snares are applied sparingly (yet effectively). What kind of guitar-wizardry do all eight tracks use? I don't know, but I'm afraid to question it. To quote fellow wigger and douchebag Shaggy 2 Dope: "This shit'll blow your motherfuckin' mind!!!"

its getting late but i dont mind

If you like your emo subtle, get out now (but follow the blog and refresh a few times so my hit counter will go up.) Penfold is some whiny-ass shit, which is why I like it. I'm not deluding myself. Some voices are just good for whining. This brings me to Penfold's second release, Amateurs and Professionals. I stumbled upon it while looking up artists similar to the Promise Ring on Last.fm (!) The first track, "June", starts out with a marching-bandesque drum-beat and gives you a good idea of what's to come: Heavy angst. The feel of the album is comparable to staring out the car window when it's raining hard. Great shtuff.

livin' like a bug aint easy

Home Movies is awesome. Basically it's a poorly animated cartoon about three grade-schoolers that make really kitschy movies, but much of the script is improv. The result is a bunch of 8-year-olds with awkward adult speech-patterns and some of the funniest shit you've ever seen. The soundtrack itself is really good, mainly because it's a mix of 0ver-the-top glam ballads and instrumentals that are actually pretty sad. I've been searching for this for a while, and my life is complete now that I've found it. I honestly can't recommend this any harder.
GET IT

season one, episode one
septopus
trust yourself